Progress Report II

NOTE: If you are struggling with yourself and weight loss, think of this blog as a sort of instruction on how fxck up on losing weight and starting to pick yourself up again. 

I

I started my health journey late 2017. 

I just got over a break-up and said to myself, ok, it's about damn time I started to love myself again. So i did. I joined a gym, went on a diet, saw progress lost about 26kgs. Great right? Yeah, but this is where I made my 1st mistake. 

You see, I saw myself losing weight and getting smaller so I said, this cookie wouldn’t hurt. This pint of ice cream wouldn't hurt. The list goes on and on. Im working out 4x a week back then, but since Im seeing a change in me, I said to myself I need rest. So whenever I had a long day at work, instead of heading straight to the gym to at least do some cardio, I went home and sleep. 

You see, I have a habit of breaking my rhythm as soon as I see some change. I lose the discipline because I always say that small things don't hurt. Its true, small things don't, a piece of cookie, a spoonful of nutella, but those small things if done daily or even every other day will hurt. It will accumulate, and it did. 

By the time I realised what I had done to myself, it was too late. I was back to where I started. 

It was so hard to admit that I royally fxcked myself up. Second mistake, I gave up on myself. I just gave up. Because I thought i'm just gonna die alone and fat. So be it. I'm so done for trying. 

My whole state was in the shit. At first it was ok, I was ok, but then, all these discomfort started to creep in. 

My back pain came back (like a bitch), I'm constantly low in energy and lethargic, my clothes don't fit, even if they did I looked fugly (fat and ugly) in them, I don't like how huge I looked in pictures and ive been having panic attacks more often. 

I was looking at myself in the mirror and realise i don't want to live my life as a blob. I want to feel great. I want to be light and be able to climb a flight of stairs and not be exhausted. I want to be able to walk 4,5,6 10 blocks and still be energetic. I want to be able to free dive again, to swim and walk at the bottom of the sea like how I used to. To climb mountains and hike. 

I want to fit into my cute clothes. I want to have clearer skin, I want to stop having back pains and all the discomforts it comes with. I want to live. Live longer and Actively. Like how I used to. 

II

2019, I started to hit the gym again. I looked back at the things that I did wrong. I made a list. I listed down all the excuses, all the shit I tell myself. Printed it out and posted it in my bedroom wall. It's now the first thing I see when I wake up. 

I targeted areas in my body that I needed to work on. I changed my eating habits. I changed my mental state. I picked myself up. 

I made another list. I wrote down all the reasons why I want to be healthy. Why I wanted to lose the weight and made it my mobile’s wallpaper and lock screen. So every time I look at my phone I'm reminded of it. 

I began a routine. Disciplined myself to do the right thing this time around. I needed to feel the pain one more time to finally wake myself up. 

Sure, I still gave myself excuses when I'm feeling so tired from work to not exercise, but sometimes, without thinking, my feet leads me to the gym. I still eat that cookie, or that piece of chocolate. But I make sure to make up for it by exercising. 

III 

Since then, I've felt better.

My back pain is very minimal now, I have more energy and lively at work, I'm having less and less of my anxiety and panic attacks. Since I started exercising my mind clears up and it gives my brain a break. It's doing wonders for my anxiety. I look good on some of my clothes now. I started wearing jeans again.

I have an ass now. My calves and ankles are separated and clearly defined. My legs are smaller. My shoulders squared up and have better posture. My stomach is smaller and I don't have to inhale so much so I can feel my ribs. I can see and feel them now.

Left: Taken yesterday Right: May 2019

I still have a long way to go but i'm seeing progress now, and I intend to stick to my plan. 

I hope my story helps you, don't make the same mistakes I did, even if you do, dont worry, you are not alone. 

Pick yourself up and try again.